April 25, 2019

When Your Heart Wants Another Baby But Your Mind Can't Handle It

Grab a snack sis, this is a long one.

The idea of having children was always a strange thing for me.
When I was younger, around the ages of 10-15 we'll say, I wanted lots of kids. I was that girl who wanted like 5 babies. Being that young, I didn't understand things like the cost of raising children or how hard raising a child can really be. All I knew was that I wanted a big family.

Fast forward to 17/18 year old me. Anxiety started trickling into my every day life a little bit. Not a worrisome amount but enough to cause unwarranted fear in certain aspects of my life. I remember I read a book. It was Nicholas Sparks' novel called At First Sight. It was a beautiful story but after reading it, I developed an intense fear of dying during childbirth. A fear that embedded itself in me for years.


From that moment on I decided I was only going to adopt. My fear of dying during childbirth became so intense I was convinced that WAS going to happen to me. No doubt about it, if I ever had my own child, I was going to die.

*A little side story* 
Since I was a young girl, I sort of always knew I was going to have a baby when I was 25. I have nothing else to say about it really. I just knew, deep in my heart, that by the time I was 25 I'd have a child- naturally or adopted. Despite my crippling fear.

Anyway, about two months after I turned 25 I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting- needing- a baby. I was at a really good place in my life and my relationship, but I felt like I was missing something. When I first started having these feelings I didn't want to say anything to Craig because any time the subject of babies came up before this it was always nipped in the bud straight away- by the both of us. Neither of us were ready.

One day, I couldn't hold back any longer. I looked at him and said (a little nervously) I think I really want a baby. Shockingly, he looked back at me and said...me too.

That was all it took.

Even though my fear remained I pushed it aside and we started trying to get pregnant. Fortunately for us, it happened VERY quickly. Within that month (August) we were pregnant.

The first couple of months were okay anxiety wise. I was so nauseous for three months I didn't really think about anything else. Soon though, I would face what was the beginning of a downward spiral regarding anxiety and depression.

The thoughts of dying during childbirth came back full force and didn't stop. I remember getting closer to my due date and I was laying in bed wide awake in the middle of the night thinking- well, this is it. I'm going to die soon. I'm not going to meet my baby. 

I was nothing but a huge (literally huge) ball of stress for most of my pregnancy. It was awful. I stressed so much thinking that I was going to die and than I stressed because I knew stress wasn't good for the baby and I was scared I'd end up putting her in danger somehow.

Skip ahead and I - obviously- made it out alive. The birth was fairly smooth and I was actually so proud of myself for getting through it. Happy that my biggest fear didn't come true after all.

Unfortunately, my heightened anxiety I'd experienced while being pregnant didn't go away after I gave birth. It didn't go away after I faced my fear and came out on top. In fact it got worse. On top of generalized anxiety disorder I now suffer with extreme health anxiety and depression.

It's been almost three years since Lux was born and I still haven't gotten a real handle on it. Not gonna lie- its been hard. The hardest years of my life so far. There are days where it completely consumes me. I can't think about anything else other than whatever "illness" I believe I've developed.

Recently though, I've been feeling that need again. I feel like I need another baby. My heart longs for it.

Lux is the single most greatest thing that's ever happened to me. That girl (as cliche as it may sound) is literally my best friend, the love of my life. I live every single day for her. And that alone makes me want to have another. To feel that kind of love for a second child. For Lux to grow up with a sibling.

But I can't.

I can't do that.

Even though it could be so easy to push everything aside and try for one. I can't with my mental health in the state its in. I can't do that to myself, to Craig or to Lux. And I can't do that to another baby. I sit here, with tears pooling in my eyes, because my heart aches. But I'm afraid of things getting worse. Right now, I can almost handle my anxiety and depression. I've managed to go a whopping seven months almost completely anxiety/depression free. Don't ask me how because I have no idea but it was pure and utter bliss. It's back though, rearing its ugly head once more and some days I feel like I'm going insane. The guilt I feel for Lux after a long bout of anxiety and/or depression is enough to send me spiraling again. And it reminds me once more that I shouldn't have another baby right now.

That being said, if it were to happen accidentally, I would 100% give it my all. I would try my absolute hardest to get a handle on this and persevere. I'm a strong believer in 'everything happens for a reason' and 'everything happens when it should'. But no, don't worry, I will not actively try.

Wow, that ended up being a lot longer then I'd anticipated. I've been dealing with these emotions for a bit now and I finally wanted to get it all out there. This isn't something I've talked about with anyone. I think I mentioned it to Craig once, in passing, that I felt like I wanted another but didn't think it'd be wise with my current mental state.
He agreed.
And that was it.
So it feels nice to be able to let it all out.

If you've ever had feelings like this before feel free to leave a comment. Or don't. It's up to you.

I hope your day is beautiful.

💛

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad the birth of your first child went well overall and your fear didn't become a reality. I think it is big that you're making sure that you are in the right mindset before having another child. Sending you lots of love!

    Nancy ♥ exquisitely.me

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your kind words <3

      Delete
  2. This is a sweet story - I am sorry though you felt so anxious and depressed and you went through all that. But you pushed through and you've got a lovely little girl!

    Great posts - thanks for sharing :)

    -Lena

    www.lenasnotebook.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much :)
      I appreciate that <3

      Delete
  3. I loved reading your story. I am glad everything went well with your first baby. I can totally connect with it.

    ReplyDelete