March 26, 2019

Let's Talk About Panic Attacks

I'm sitting home, alone, right now and I've just had a panic attack that lasted roughly five minutes. I'm currently coming down from it and my feelings are very raw and real..... I'll decide later if this post will make the cut.

Panic attacks. All I can do is shake my head because I literally can't think right now. If you've never experienced one before- consider yourself lucky. Honestly, I don't have attacks all that often. I usually see them coming- if I've been super, super stressed over something or feeling overly anxious for a while. But not this time.

I have a night to myself. My baby is gone with my mother for the night, Craig gone with friends. I was looking forward to this quiet, leisurely night alone.

I did what I wanted- blogged, a quick workout, watched a couple movies on Netflix. Just lounged on the couch.


Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I started to cry. And then I cried harder...and harder...and harder. Until I couldn't breathe anymore.

Feeling lightheaded, taking in short gasps of air. The back of my neck and shoulders suddenly so tense it ached. Holding my stomach feeling like my ribs could crack at any moment by my deep sobs. My entire body started to sweat. I could feel it through my pajama pants.

Short quick breaths. Over and over and over again. Scared to death that I might pass out while being here alone.

It lasted about five minutes I'm guessing. You could have told me it lasted five hours and I would have believed you because that's what it feels like in the moment.

I feel myself coming down- trying to get my breathing back under control. Little waves of lightheadedness pass over me. I get up to walk to make sure I'm steady. I feel like I can peel the clothes from my body. I call Craig- needing to hear a reassuring voice.

I'm okay now. Mentally and physically I feel like I've just been drug through a war. My mind and body are exhausted. But I'm okay.

Now that I can better gather my thoughts about this I want to understand what may have triggered my panic attack. IS it due to stress? IS it because I'm missing my little girl and want her home with me even though I do need a little "me time" break every now and then? IS it because I've triggered my health anxiety while watching a movie where someone mentioned the C word? IS it because I've recently started intermittent fasting and my body is trying to adjust to the change? Is it everything combined? Or not of it at all?

I wish I knew.

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It's the next morning (had a terrible time sleeping last night) and I'm sat here deciding if I should continue with this post or just scrap it.

See, the thing about panic attacks -at least for me- is that I end up feeling embarrassed. I'm embarrassed to now share the experience I had last night. I'm embarrassed that I can't seem to control my own mind/body. I'm embarrassed because I feel like this only happens to me and that there must be something wrong with me.

But that's the reason I need to share this post.

Because I'm NOT the only one.

Because so many people share this exact same experience and feel too ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it.

Because its NOT something to be embarrassed about.

I want everyone, YOU, to read this and know that you're not alone. There are so many people out there (seemingly "normal" people) who feel just like you. People who deal with panic attacks. People who deal with anxiety. People who deal with depression. You. Are. Not. Alone.

I think we've come a long way in terms of talking about and understanding mental health issues. But I also think we still have a long way to go.

We just need to keep talking, keep sharing our own experiences and let others know its okay.




18 comments:

  1. I love that you shared this from your perspective! You're absolutely right about them being nothing to be embarrassed about - I think so many of us experience them throughout life at some point or another :)

    aglassofice.com x

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    1. Thank you Gabrielle :) Since hitting that 'publish' button I've been going back and forth about deleting this or not because I'm still unsure about it haha. Thanks for commenting :)

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  2. I'm so happy that you posted this - I think it will definitely help so many people. I've only had a panic attack once and it left me incapacitated in my school bathroom, feeling utterly frozen and like I was completely broken. I think that we need more posts like this to spread the fact that panic attacks shouldn't be met with complete negativity. I want to be able to talk about them without feeling scared or worried - and blogging is the perfect outlet for that.

    Have a great week :)
    Amy x Wandering Everywhere

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    1. Thank you so much Amy :) I'm so sorry that happened at all- let alone at school!
      We should 100% be able to talk about them without feeling scared or worried- I mean I still felt embarrassed after publishing this haha but! if we want to change something we need to talk about it :)

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  3. Oh my gosh, I can't tell you how familiar this post is. I've been in the exact same situation and I agree with you - I end up feeling embarrassed by it. Like, why can't I handle this? My life's pretty good and here I am with a panic attack. What gives? Thank you for sharing this! More people need to open up and talk so that we all realize we're not alone in this.

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    1. I hear you on that! You feel like life is pretty good so its disheartening when your mind/body "betrays" you in such a way. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting :)

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  4. I don't think I've experienced a panic attack before but I have friends who particularly struggle and I know they would definitely identify with you. You're totally right too, this is a subject that needs to be talked about more!

    Musings & More

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    1. Oh girl consider yourself lucky! I truly hope you never do experience a panic attack <3

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  5. Not really sure what to say except well done for sharing such a raw moment. Ive had many a panic attack in my time, though luckily not for a while now, and I was nodding along to each sentence.
    Its such an awful, difficult to describe feeling and can be so frustrating when you can't pin point an exact trigger.
    You're such an amazing person who I look up to a lot. Its sad to hear of anyone going through these things, but posts like this are important so we all can see that at the end of the day we are all human and not alone.

    xo

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    1. Thank you so much <3 That really means a lot. It really is difficult to describe and you're left feeling lost because you can't even make sense of what just happened.

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  6. Aw thank you so much for writing this post, I identify with so much of it! I have had awful panic attacks regarding the fear of being sick and with separation anxiety when I cannot get hold of someone, you can feel it spiralling and you get thrown in to this abyss of pure insane panic and your worst fears and just begging for someone to help you >< it's absolutely terrifying, when I come down or get some relief I just end up sobbing for hours >< I even ended up calling an ambulance! It's so nice to know I'm not alone, I always end up feeling embarrassed about it but it shakes me to the core xx

    elizabeth ♡ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara

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    1. Because I experience panic attacks myself my heart breaks when I hear others talk about their experience <3 <3 You're definitely not alone Elizabeth! I think it's important (though hard) to remember in the moment that it will pass and that you're okay <3

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  7. So thankful posts like this are out there nowadays. When I had my first panic attack it was in the middle of an exam when I was around 17 and I thought I was dying I was so scared! Thankfully now people are talking about them more and they're becoming more normalised.

    Julia // The Sunday Mode

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    1. It really can be a scary experience! Its important to talk about so others know they're not alone :)

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  8. I keep coming back to your blog to read this post, it resonates with me so much. I tend to underestimate the impact of certain situations on my mental health. The beginning of this year has been really tough which is why I'm not blogging as much. Panic attacks have definitely been a part of that. My therapist told me to wear something to remind myself that I can get them so I'm more prepared, it's like a self care thing :)

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    1. I'm so sorry this year started out rough for you <3 I'm happy to read you've been seeing a therapist...that's something I definitely need to get on the ball with. Has the therapists advice been working?

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